Our Tiny Planet
Guide
How to make time zones work in a long-distance relationship
Time zones work best when you find the hours you are both awake and free, protect them, and fill the rest of the day with messages that do not need an instant reply. This guide shows how to find your overlap window, build small rituals around it, use alarms and slow messages, and look after your sleep.
A big time difference is hard. It is also very workable, especially once you stop trying to talk at every spare moment and start building a rhythm instead.
Find your overlap window
Start with a plain picture of both your days. Each of you writes out a normal weekday in blocks: sleep, getting ready, work or study, travel, free time. Then do the same for the weekend.
Put the two side by side in the same time zone. Your overlap window is any stretch where you are both awake and both free. On a weekday it might be thirty minutes. At the weekend it might be most of an afternoon.
The free time zone planner can do this for you: it compares your two clocks so the hours that line up are easy to see.
Some common pairs
These are typical good windows for people who work office hours. Your own will depend on your days.
| Pair | Gap | Windows that often work |
|---|---|---|
| London and New York | 5 hours (4 for a few weeks a year) | London lunchtime is New York breakfast. New York's early evening is late evening in London. |
| Berlin and Los Angeles | 9 hours (8 for a few weeks a year) | Los Angeles morning is Berlin evening. Weekends are easier than weekdays. |
| London and Sydney | 9 to 11 hours | London early morning is Sydney evening. London evening is Sydney early morning. |
| Toronto and Manila | 12 or 13 hours | Almost opposite days. Toronto breakfast is Manila evening, and the other way round. |
Watch out for daylight saving
Clocks change on different dates in different places, and some places do not change at all. That means your gap can shift for a few weeks a year, and catch you out.
- Europe changes on the last Sunday of March and of October. Most of the United States and Canada change on the second Sunday of March and the first Sunday of November. For a few weeks each spring and autumn, London and New York are four hours apart, not five.
- Southern hemisphere countries change the other way. Sydney's clocks go forward in early October, just as London's go back at the end of the month. That is why London and Sydney can be nine, ten or eleven hours apart depending on the time of year.
- Many places, such as the Philippines, Japan and India, do not use daylight saving at all.
Once a year, look up the change dates for both of your countries and add them to a shared calendar, so a missed call is not the first sign.
Small rituals that fit round the gap
Rituals do a lot of quiet work. They give the relationship a shape, so you are not starting from scratch every day.
- A good morning and a goodnight. Even a single line each. They mark the edges of each other's day.
- One anchor call a week. A longer call at a fixed time that you both protect, usually at the weekend. Everything else can flex round it.
- A commute call. If one of you walks or drives to work while the other is winding down, that half hour can become a regular slot.
- Meals together. Breakfast for one, dinner for the other. Eat on a call.
- Your sky. Send a photo of the sky every day. Over time it becomes a little diary of both your places.
Make messages that can wait feel close
When you are many hours apart, most of your contact will be one person talking while the other sleeps or works. That can feel thin, or it can feel like a running conversation. The difference is mostly in what you send.
- Voice notes carry tone and laughter in a way text cannot. Send one on your walk home.
- A video diary. One minute about your day, recorded before bed, waiting for them in the morning.
- A shared note where you both drop things through the day: a funny sign, a song, a question for later.
- Turn-based games. A slow game of chess or a word game gives you a small reason to check in. Our list of games for long-distance couples has more.
- Letters timed to their day. Something that lands as they wake up feels very different from something that buzzed at 3am.
Agree what a slow reply means
Say it out loud: a reply that takes hours is normal, not a sign of anything. Some couples send a quick "going quiet, at work" so the other is not left wondering. Agree what you would like, then trust it.
Alarms and clocks in their time
Add your partner's city to the world clock on your phone. Both the iPhone and Android clock apps have one. Glancing at their time before you call becomes a habit very quickly.
When you plan things, put them in the calendar in the right time zone. Google Calendar and Apple's Calendar both let you set the time zone for an event, which avoids the classic mistake of a call booked for the right time in the wrong country.
For things that matter, like waking them before an exam or a flight, set the alarm for their time, and check it twice. It is easy to be an hour out around a clock change.
Protect your sleep
The fastest way to make a time difference miserable is for one of you to always stay up too late or get up too early. Tired people argue more and enjoy calls less.
- Take turns. If someone has to stretch their day, swap who it is each week.
- Keep late nights for weekends. One late call on a Friday or Saturday costs much less than three on work nights.
- Agree a cut-off. A time after which you say goodnight, even mid-conversation. It is easier to stick to if you decide it in daylight.
- Do not fall asleep on calls every night. Now and then it is lovely. Every night, and you both sleep badly.
Keep it fair
One of you may have a more flexible job, or live in the time zone that makes calls easier. That is fine, as long as the bending is noticed and shared. Talk about it every few months, especially when work or study changes. A rhythm that suited you in summer may not suit you in exam season.
Visits and jet lag
Plan the first day of a visit gently. Whoever has flown will be tired and on a different clock, so keep that day for a walk and a meal, not a packed plan. If you both travel to meet somewhere, the halfway point finder can help you pick a place that splits the journey. A countdown is good for the weeks before.
How Our Tiny Planet helps with time zones
Our Tiny Planet is an app for couples, coming soon, made with time differences in mind. Its Lighthouse shows both your clocks and a good time to call. You can set an alarm in your own time that rings at the right moment in your partner's. A shared calendar keeps countdowns to your visits. Games can be played turn by turn, so neither of you has to stay up to take a go, and there is a halfway-point helper for planning where to meet.
It is not out yet. Leave your email to hear the day it is.
Questions people ask
How do long-distance couples deal with time zones?
They find the hours when both are awake and free, protect one or two regular calls in that window, and keep in touch the rest of the time with messages that can wait, such as voice notes, a shared note or a turn-based game.
What is the hardest time difference for a relationship?
Gaps of around nine to thirteen hours are usually the hardest, because one person is going to bed as the other wakes up. They still work, but most calls end up early in the morning or late at night, so taking turns matters.
How do you find a good time to call across time zones?
Write out both weekdays in blocks, put them side by side in one time zone, and look for any stretch where you are both awake and free. A time zone planner that shows both clocks at once makes this quicker.
Why has our time difference changed?
Probably because of daylight saving. Clocks change on different dates in different countries, the southern hemisphere changes the opposite way, and some places do not change at all, so your gap can move by an hour for a few weeks or for half the year.
How do we stop one of us always losing sleep?
Take turns being the one who stays up or gets up early, keep late calls for weekends, and agree a goodnight cut-off in advance. Falling asleep on a call is lovely now and then but tiring every night.
